Before and After

I had pretty much given up on blogging until now.  There was just too much to say and not the words to say it as we continue to learn how to live without the anchor of our family.  We are doing well and working things out.  We have good days and bad days, but continue to improve each day.  But, that's not what we're here to talk about.  That is not the reason I decided to come back to the blogging world. 

The reason I came back here was blatent, all-out, bragging.  I needed an outlet to brag on myself a little, so I chose the most obvious one, the blog world.  So, thanks in advance for allowing me some self-indulgence. 

This year, we returned to Athens for football season and have so far, had a great time.  As I was posting pictures from yesterday, I was looking through pictures from last year and was shocked to actually see the difference in myself in just a year.  I know I have worked very hard to get back in shape over the past year, but to see the results is amazing, if I do say so myself.  The difference is 40 lbs.  See for yourself:



2009



2010





People ask me all the time what I've done to get these results.  I have done the elliptical, pilates, and revamped my eating habits, but not too consistently over the past two years.  This fall, I'm incorporating interval training in order to hopefully run a 5K in December before our family goes on a cruise for Christmas.  If it's something I can do, it'll be one of my most proud accomplishments.  These results give me the motivation to keep going.  Who knows what next year might bring.  If it's another 20 lbs. lost, then bring it on!





"Jesus Bring the Rain"

One of the most often asked questions that I get asked as a Christian is 'how do you know when the Lord is speaking to you?' and it is one that I have even asked myself.  Sometimes, it's a book that someone has loaned me that speaks directly to my soul, other times it's when I'm having a  conversation with someone else that I hear his voice, and sometimes it's just the feeling of peace that passes all understanding in the bottom of my soul that I know can only come from Him.  Once about 10 years ago, a dear friend of mine told me that God speaks directly to her by giving her rainbows.  Every time she is struggling with something, God will show her a rainbow to let her know that He is still with her.  I thought that was cool and begin to wonder how exactly God showed himself to me in a direct and consistent way.  What I discovered was that He always gives me one song that ministers directly to my heart. 

That one song becomes an anthem of sorts, that I can listen to over and over again, bringing comfort and peace to know God is in control.  When I was going through a bad breakup, it was 'Landslide,' by Stevie Nicks (I didn't say it was always a 'Christian' song!).  When my dad as in the hospital five years ago, it was 'Voice of Truth,' by Mercy Me.  And when my parents were in Texas, it was 'Peace' by Jennifer Knapp.  After I had Rhett, I would sing the old hymns to him at bedtime, lulling him to sleep and bringing peace to my tired body and mind with 'Glory, Glory Hallelujah," "Amazing Grace," and "At The Cross."

I can't explain how I know one song is given to me from the Lord for a time such as this, but I just know.  Since my daddy passed away, I have heard many, many songs on the radio from christian and secular stations, but most cause me to turn the station, bringing tears of sorrow from the grief and mourning in my heart.  This morning, though...this morning...I received it.  My song from the Lord.  The one that speaks peace deep into my heart.  The one that strengthens my faith.  The one that I can stand on as a voice of truth amid a sea of emotions that come from the grief of losing my daddy.  It's not a new song...but it's new to me. 

So, without further adeu, I give you "Jesus, Bring the Rain," from Mercy Me as a testament that God still speaks to His children and that He provides for our every need:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m17af0XmPFo&feature=related.

I hope it speaks to you as it has to me.  If not though, don't worry.  God probably has a different way for you.  Keep your eyes open ~ you don't want to miss the blessing He has in store!

Walking in the Shadow...

To say this has been the darkest part of my life would be an understatement.  It will be a week ago tomorrow since my daddy passed away and I still have no words to describe how I feel or how we are functioning.  I wish I had the ability to write something profound or inspirational, but right now I barely have the words to say 'I'm okay' and mean it. 

I miss my daddy.  I miss hearing his voice on the phone and his truck in the drive.  I miss his laugh when he rolls around on the floor with Rhett.  I miss feeling his hugs and his 'love you em' before I leave the house.  His yard shoes still sit by the door and his cross still hangs in the bathroom.  Everything I do reminds me of him, or should I say, the absence of him.  I see the pain in the eyes of my brother and the sadness in the eyes on my mom and know that they are mirroring my own.  I watch my husband try to be everything to everyone, all the while wishing he could take the pain away.  I hear everyone telling me that it'll take time and to call them if I need anything, but I can't even figure out what I need to be able to tell them.  The only thing I need is him...nothing else will make this any easier, but that's not an option.  He is the only one who didn't ask anything of me, expect me to be anything, other than who I am in his eyes.  I didn't have to give anything to daddy except my love and I didn't have to be strong for him because he was always strong for me.

A week ago, I watched them put daddy on a ventilator to breath for him.  At that point, I thought I knew where this was going and tried to prepare myself.  But, nothing can prepare you for watching your daddy take his last breaths and then see the rigor or death set in.  While it was difficult seeing his body lying there, absent of life, it was strangely comforting too.  It was so obvious that the body lying there in the bed was no longer him, but just the outer shell of the man in my heart.  I grieve the loss of a wonderful man, but he is no longer there in that cemetary, but he is walking with the Lord, which brings me great peace and joy in my heart.  I do not think Daddy would choose to come back here to us, because he is in a perfect place.  Rather, he would wish we could join him instead.

While I hurt and my heart is breaking, I still have the peace that passes all understanding in this situation.  I believe that daddy was sick far longer than we realized, but he didn't want to burden us with his pain.  I believe that his suffering was too unbearable and his body could no longer cope with the burden of living, which was exacerbated by the pneumonia that eventually led to his death.  I believe that God called him to heaven for a reason, which is not mine to question, but instead trust in His plans and know that He only wants the best for me.  I believe that Daddy now dwells in the shadows of the Lord Almighty and is walking the banks of the lakes with Jesus.  I know he is now experiencing the fullness of Jesus Christ and I am joyful for his sake.  I also believe that God's hand is upon us, as we grieve and learn how to create a new kind of normal.  We can feel his presence and the prayers of his people.  We trust that He is going to do things in our lives that are far greater than we could ever imagine.  We hope that God would be glorified in this situation and that when people see us, they would see the Holy Spirit's covering upon us. 

God never said it would be easy, but he did say to trust in Him and it would be worth it.  So, while we walk through the shadow of death in this season of our lives, we will fear no evil for he is with us.  He is our comforter and our deliverer.  We are leaning against him to find our peace, our refuge, and our strength. 


Psalms 34:15-18
"The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry;
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalms 91:1-2

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

John 14:1-3
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

Romans 8:38-39
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

 

 

It's My Blog Birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, MOONBEAMS AND DAYDREAMS!

I guess it's technically an anniversary, but I think birthdays are much more fun...because they involve cupcakes, icing, and sprinkles.  And, I missed the actual date of my first blog, which was a year ago on 2/9/09, but this will have to do. 

So here we are...one year and 48 posts later!  I started this as a place to leave my thoughts, share some insights and maybe a little inspiration.  Along the way, I have met new friends, gained a few followers, and learned so much about myself.  And you have too!  You've read about my life, including my struggle with weight loss, my adventures as a new mommy, my collected memories from the past, and the things that the Lord has shown me along the way, and you've enduring the endless pictures of my adorable son! 

I hope you have enjoyed (or at least endured) this blog as much as I have.  For me, writing is much like therapy, allowing me to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper (or on the screen, in this case), where I can leave them.  More than anything, I hope that my transparency and honesty here has made a small difference in someone else's life because it sure has made a difference in mine!

So, happy birthday blog!  Blow out your candles and make a wish...

Finding Rest...

Lately, God has been tugging at my heartstrings as he has been drawing me back to him.  Not that I ever 'left' him, but in the busy-ness of life, I have allowed my time and relationship with him to get pushed to the back.  I neglected my prayer life, my quiet times, and my bible study and my heart has suffered the consequences.  So, in the spirit of the new year, I have tried to reprioritize my life and make time for these things again.  Granted, I've only been doing this for two days, but my heart and my spirit are already so refreshed!  This morning's passage in my little devotional is so great, I couldn't wait to share it.  And when I saw that it came from one of my very favorite writers, Eugenia Price, I knew the Lord had given me a very sweet kiss this morning.  So, here you go:

 Jesus said:  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." ~ Matt. 11:28-29

"Here lies the source of the rest He offers:  If we come just as we are, He will welcome us.  Spiritual fatigue, a burdened heart, the ugly mess we make of our lives, causes us to long for rest - any kind of rest from the inner and outer tensions against which we struggle.  To expect such a troubled spirit to improve itself, to untangle its own problems, is as impossible as to expect a man with two broken legs to sprint.

God offers the kind of inner rest that releases the energy we need to change out inadequacies to adequacies.  I have never known anyone who could do the job alone.  Jesus must have seen it this way.  Otherwise He would not have extended His inclusive invitation to all those who were in particular need of rest.

Two things are necessary for us:  we must see our need and we must come.  The rest is up to God.  And He can move into action on our behalf much more swiftly if we come - just as we are.  Making no excuses, offering no explanations of how we got this way, but only expecting Him to act - not according to OUR idea of One who sits in judgement - rather, as He is...a God of love. 

If we come as we are, expecting God to be there waiting for us as He is, we see at once that we are not the determining factor.  God is."

~ Eugenia Price

I pray that you will know that kind of rest today...the kind of rest in your soul that allows you to crawl into your heavenly Father's lap and cast all your cares and troubles upon Him.  He will then give you the energy and the strength to face it all with a peace that passes all understanding, as you trust in Him.

Go ahead...Make My Day!

So, other than spending a great 30th birthday with my wonderful family, here are a couple of things that happened that just made my day!

1.  I went to a Golddigger's jewelry party on a whim today.  I traded two bracelets for $245 and still kept the diamonds.  The thing about this is that we have pay our property taxes at the end of the month and have been about $300 off the mark...God is cool like that.

2.  I FINALLY got all of my itunes songs, and more importantly, my workout playlist, loaded onto my blackberry.  This is huge for me, because I've been trying to do this for WEEKS, and now I can go to the gym anytime without having to work out a schedule with the hubs for the ipod.

3.  The City of Savannah announced this week that they are beginning an amnesty program for people who have unpaid parking tickets.  If you know me well, you know why that made my day!  I don't know how much $$ I have racked up parking fines, but I'd be willing to bet that I'm on the naughty list for this one.

4.  I happened to drive by the house that I grew up in today and noticed some firetrucks down the street, so I decided to investigate.  Long story short, the city is burning down the houses on that block to make room for a park, supposedly.  I talked the firemen into letting me take a look around and man, was that like stepping back into a time machine!  It looked SO much smaller than I remember.  I certainly don't remember living in a small box and it seems like we had a lot of stuff back then, so I'm not sure how my mom made it work, but she did.  I'm pretty sure my bedroom was supposed to be closet, but looking back, I don't remember it being small at all.  I remember my daybed with the trundle that my cousin, Penny slept on almost every weekend.  I remember my white dresser with the white eyelet lamp shade and the flowers my daddy gave me once.  I remember the hanging closet in the corner b/c the room didn't have one.  I remember looking out the window and watching my dad work in his shop and laying in bed and watching T.V. through the mini blinds at night.  So, although it was teeny tiny, the most important thing is that our parents made it work and we never realized how cramped it really was because we were too busy having a wonderful childhood. 

It was very sad to see my childhood home being ripped apart, board by board.  I walked through and remembered running around, playing chase with my brother, climbing into my parents bed at night (the wood paneling was still on the walls!), sitting at the bar doing my homework and watching my mom iron, and riding our bikes up and down the sidewalk.  It was a great place to live and I have many, many fond memories of that place.  I walked out with tears in my eyes (I'm pretty sure those firemen thought I was a little looney), and looking up and down the street, I saw one of our old neighbors, Mrs. Thompson, who lived two doors down.  I remember her being old then, but she hadn't aged much at all.  She was so surprised to see me and had tears in her eyes as she told me about her grandson T.J., who was one of my best friends growing up, living in California and how lonely she is without him.  She told me all about her bad day at the doctor's office, her frustration with getting older, and all the changes that had happened in the old neighborhood.  I'm pretty sure that I made her week, maybe her month, just by stopping by and saying hi.  While it was very sad to think about my old home being burnt to the ground, I was very humbled to have the opportunity to take one more walk through and share some memories with a jewel of a lady who was like another grandmother to me.  The irony of getting to do so on my 30th birthday wasn't lost on me, either. It was like God just chose to sprinkle me with blessings, for which I am extremely grateful.

So, I guess the first day of my 30's was pretty great.  I'm looking forward to the weekend for more celebrating with hubs and the rest of my family as well.  And, to say that I'm blessed beyond measure would be the understatement of the year!  :) 

Hello 30's...I've been waiting for you my whole life!

I don't have much time to expound on how I feel about turning 30 tomorrow,and there is much to say about what I've learned and how I've grown in the past decade. I will leave you with this little thought:

This photo is from New Year's Eve 2002. I call that the year my life changed forever!  We went out in downtown Athens, had a great time, and if I remember correctly, I randomly kissed the guy standing next to me at midnight (b/c I'm so wild like that...lol)! 

And this one is from this past weekend.

My bff abby and her family came down to visit for a few days.  We went to dinner with our hubby's, took our kids to the bounce house, and drew cows on the sidewalk for fun.  I don't know about her, but I think I enjoyed this weekend much better than that one so long ago.  And,considering the seven years difference in these pictures includes both of us having babies, I'd so we don't look so bad after all this time!  I mean, thirty IS the new twenty after all!  :)

LOVE!

Immediate Blessings...

Yesterday was one of my worst days ever. I don't know why, but I've been so cranky and dissatisfied with my life lately. I've just been in the worst mood lately, which is totally unlike me. I have picked fights with my hubby, let things bother me that usually don't, and found myself discontent with my job, which is pretty much amazing. It always takes talking to my BFF who reminds me that this is a monthly thing with me and that I should just let it run it's course. And, she's usually right. Although this time, I did feel like I was dissatisfied with some particular things in my heart that needed to be dealt with.

Sometimes, I think the Lord causes us to be dissatisfied with our lives so we will reevaulate where we are and make changes for the better. I think that is where I was and it all come to head yesterday. First of all, I feel that my relationship with the Lord isn't where it should be and I need to do something about that. So, I'm going to make my bible study and prayer time more of a priority in my life, somehow. Secondly, I realize that I am in need of good, close Christian girl friends. After feeling the Lord prompting me to reach out to a couple of girls that I knew but not very well, I sent them both an email asking them if we could start a playdate/bible study group, knowthing that they would probably think I was crazy. Well, wouldn't you know that both of them were excited about it and have needed something like that in their lives as well. We now have a date set to get together and I couldn't be more excited! And lastly, I realized that hubs and I needed to focus on our marriage more and try to make each other happier by doing the things that we know will please the other. Too often, our lives focus on being parents and we neglect each other as spouses, which causes discontent. When explaining all of this to my hubs, he agreed and we are now on the same page. We are even going to find a Sunday School class at church together, which will be a first in a long time for us.

To top it all off, I found out that the City of Savannah is offering me (and all the other deliquents out there) amnesty for my unpaid parking tickets!!!!! Woo Hoo! All I have to do is pay the original fines and they'll wave the late fees. No more holding my head in shame as I pass the parking ticket office every day or being scared of being booted when I park on the squares. And, Tennessee lost their head coach, which makes a great day in the Bulldog nation.

So, what started as a crappy day ended up being a very happy one. I think that just as he allows the discontentment in our hearts which causes us to turn to him, he also pours out his blessings upon us to remind us that when we turn our problems and troubles over to him, He always has a perfect plan and a way that is so much better than ours. I just hope it will stick this time...

Knockin' on Thirty's Door...

In eight days, I turn the big 3-0. I cannot believe it! I swear I just got those tickets to go see 'Grease' on my 18th birthday last year and remember celebrating my 21st like it was yesterday. Now, approaching the exit of one decade and knocking on the door of another. It's kind of scary when you think about it.

The thing is, when I turned 20, I pretty much knew what was up the road. I knew I still had to finish college, I would probably get a good job, and would eventually get married and have a family. I guess looking back, that is exactly what I did. Well, except I stayed in college and got two degrees, have had three jobs since then, and got married to a completely different person than I expected. But, it's all good...for real. You make a lot of really big decisions in your twenties. You decide where to live, what to major in, where to work, who to marry, and if you're like me and most of my friends, you start having babies.

I guess in your 30's, you begin to live out the product of those decisions, good or bad. I was talking to a friend the other day who was telling me that she hated her field of work and was considering going back to school to do something else entirely. The only problem is, she's 30 with two kids, a mortgage, etc. and doesn't know how to make it work. Should she stay in a job that she hates for the rest of her life because of a decision she made when she was 20? It's a tough decision that comes with some very real considerations. The problem with making all those decisions when you're so young is that you change SO much in those ten years. I am not the same person I was at 20 when I was at UGA, or even at 25 when I got married. Nor will I be the same at 40 as I am at 30, God willing. We can't constantly look back and think, 'if only life was as simple as when I was younger.' Or second guess our own decisions and wonder, 'what if I had chosen differently?' because that only makes you dissatisfied with the life you are currently living. We grow, we change, and we have to make the most with what we have been given or what the outcome of those choices brings. Life's too short to constantly look back and wonder 'what if?' Before you know it, another decade will have passed and you'll be reminscing about how great you had it 'back then.' You can't change where you are, but you can control where you are going and it's up to you whether you move forward or allow yourself to backwards, longing for 'what might have been' through rose-tinted glasses, no less.

So, here's to my new decade and whatever it may bring. I pray it will be much peace, much happiness, and more growth and change within me. In my next thirty years, I hope I will have been stretched, grown, changed, challenged, blessed, loved, and have been loved even more than in these past ones. Here's to my 30's...and whatever they may bring! :)