To say this has been the darkest part of my life would be an understatement. It will be a week ago tomorrow since my daddy passed away and I still have no words to describe how I feel or how we are functioning. I wish I had the ability to write something profound or inspirational, but right now I barely have the words to say 'I'm okay' and mean it.
I miss my daddy. I miss hearing his voice on the phone and his truck in the drive. I miss his laugh when he rolls around on the floor with Rhett. I miss feeling his hugs and his 'love you em' before I leave the house. His yard shoes still sit by the door and his cross still hangs in the bathroom. Everything I do reminds me of him, or should I say, the absence of him. I see the pain in the eyes of my brother and the sadness in the eyes on my mom and know that they are mirroring my own. I watch my husband try to be everything to everyone, all the while wishing he could take the pain away. I hear everyone telling me that it'll take time and to call them if I need anything, but I can't even figure out what I need to be able to tell them. The only thing I need is him...nothing else will make this any easier, but that's not an option. He is the only one who didn't ask anything of me, expect me to be anything, other than who I am in his eyes. I didn't have to give anything to daddy except my love and I didn't have to be strong for him because he was always strong for me.
A week ago, I watched them put daddy on a ventilator to breath for him. At that point, I thought I knew where this was going and tried to prepare myself. But, nothing can prepare you for watching your daddy take his last breaths and then see the rigor or death set in. While it was difficult seeing his body lying there, absent of life, it was strangely comforting too. It was so obvious that the body lying there in the bed was no longer him, but just the outer shell of the man in my heart. I grieve the loss of a wonderful man, but he is no longer there in that cemetary, but he is walking with the Lord, which brings me great peace and joy in my heart. I do not think Daddy would choose to come back here to us, because he is in a perfect place. Rather, he would wish we could join him instead.
While I hurt and my heart is breaking, I still have the peace that passes all understanding in this situation. I believe that daddy was sick far longer than we realized, but he didn't want to burden us with his pain. I believe that his suffering was too unbearable and his body could no longer cope with the burden of living, which was exacerbated by the pneumonia that eventually led to his death. I believe that God called him to heaven for a reason, which is not mine to question, but instead trust in His plans and know that He only wants the best for me. I believe that Daddy now dwells in the shadows of the Lord Almighty and is walking the banks of the lakes with Jesus. I know he is now experiencing the fullness of Jesus Christ and I am joyful for his sake. I also believe that God's hand is upon us, as we grieve and learn how to create a new kind of normal. We can feel his presence and the prayers of his people. We trust that He is going to do things in our lives that are far greater than we could ever imagine. We hope that God would be glorified in this situation and that when people see us, they would see the Holy Spirit's covering upon us.
God never said it would be easy, but he did say to trust in Him and it would be worth it. So, while we walk through the shadow of death in this season of our lives, we will fear no evil for he is with us. He is our comforter and our deliverer. We are leaning against him to find our peace, our refuge, and our strength.
Psalms 34:15-18
"The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry;
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalms 91:1-2
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
John 14:1-3
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."
Romans 8:38-39
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
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Emilee,
ReplyDeleteI know you are hurting but by writing your thoughts such as these you are helping others! You have such a way with words. As I read this I think yes, that is how I feel but didn't know how to put it! You pretty much wrapped up all that I have been feeling too! The scripture you gave also helped! So while you hurt you still manage to bless others! Thank you for that! Just hold tight to those memories of your dad.. that is the one thing I dont have many of and it makes it that much harder! Love ya & God bless! _ Jessica Smith
What a difficult time it is, those first days, weeks, months and even years. Your writing is beautiful and comforting to those of us who have lost a parent. Someone once told me it was like becoming an orphan, no matter how young or old you are... I felt just that way, though my mom was elderly and my own children were grown when she passed away. The verses you have added are awesome. God bless you as you walk through this time of life. I pray for your strength and healing.
ReplyDeletepraying for you...your heart shines through your words and we are getting just a glimpse of the man of God that your father was. I know your pain and the pain doesn't go away. One of the greatest things that I've had happen since I lost my dad is that I dream of him...and in those dreams, I hear his voice and get to "see" him...it's odd to someone who hasn't lost someone that close, but coming from experience, I pray that you dream of your dad and you feel his presence close.
ReplyDeleteErin
Oh Emilee it was all I could do to keep back the tears. Even though I still have my daddy one year later from cancer. In much of this post you described exactly how I felt in 2009. It bothered me that people told me everything was going to be okay because at that moment my world had shattered and quite frankly it wasn't okay. But as you said you begin to cope and you learn a new normal. You're words are beautiful and truly comforting for me to hear. I know that God has you in his hands, it is so evident!
ReplyDelete~ Jillane
Emiliee this is such an amazing post.. I think it's so hard to put in words what you are experiencing and how to cope with it. My best friend lost her mother to cancer a few years ago and it was hard to imagine what she was feeling, but you have opened my eyes to her pain also. And I agree with Jillane about learning a new normal.. I know it's difficult and I will continue to pray for your and your family. I have full confidence that God does indeed have you in His hands! And your father is standing face to face with the Almighty! How amazing!
ReplyDeleteThanks ya'll. Jillane ~ I thought of you often that year because I had been right where you are and I'm so glad your daddy is doing better. Erin ~ thank you for your kind words and your support, as it helps to hear from someone who has been right here. Kathy Bo ~ being an orphan is a good way to describe that feeling, isn't it? Thank you for your kind words, from one writer to another, it means alot. And Courtney ~ yes, knowing that he is with the Lord makes it so much easier to bear. It truly is the only thing that is getting us through this. Thank ya'll!
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