Weighty Issues...

I have done it. I have finally lost my first 10 lbs. since starting Weight Watchers in November. While I am happy with finally losing 10, I still have about 40 left to go. Before I got pregnant, I was doing a 'medical' weight loss plan, which included taking amphetamine weight loss pills given to me by a local doctor. When I was doing that, the lbs. seemed to melt away. I didn't even really diet or excerise, I just naturally lost the weight, or so it seemed. I was extremely shaky and irritable,and hardly ever slept. But, at least I was losing weight, right? Then, when we had trouble getting preggo, I came off the meds ~ I mean, why try to lose weight when your going to be fat and pregnant for almost a year? So, the bulge came right back on. Just as my size 14 jeans were getting to hard to button, I got the 'double pink line'! I ran out and bought some maternity jeans and thought I surely had found love. They were amazing...a secret fit belly ~ no muffin top ~ eating all that I wanted and still being able to breath ~ Wow! What more could a girl ask for?!?

During my pregnancy, I was uber-sick and seemed to revert back to my childhood eating habits. Pop-Tarts for breakfast, pasta for lunch and pizza for dinner and as much ice cream as I wanted. Needless to say, my mom wasn't exactly a health nut, but was still the skinniest thing you've ever seen. Nothing was off limits and I enjoyed every second of 'eating for two,' as they say. I think I skipped right over the 'healthy pregnancy' diet in the 'What to Expect' book, and as my belly expanded, I blamed it on the baby.

Some of it was the baby ~ he came 10 days early at 10 lbs. and 3 oz. However, alot of it was me. I gained 70 lbs total with that child. 50 of which fell off pretty easily. I think alot of it was attributed to my massive amount of swelling. I could literally hear water sloshing around as I waddled. I was left with 20 lbs. of 'baby weight' and serious body issues from my c-section. When my maternity jeans started getting tight and people began asking if I was pregnant again a few months ago, I thought it might be time to do something.

Enter Weight Watchers. I have had a love/hate relationship with this plan for about five years. When I first did it in college, I was very successful. I lost about 30 lbs. with my roommate. Over the years, I've been up and down and have always returned to that dreaded room and the 'day of reckoning' with the scales. Each time, I have either given up or gotten sidetracked. I think sometimes, I sabatoge myself because of my failed attempts in the past, I don't really believe I can do it. Somewhere in my subconscious, I believe that because I'm going to fail anyway, why should I even try? Which is what led me to my binge yesterday.

I don't know why I even ended up in the drive-thru. I went to CVS to get a couple of things, and walked out with those gummy orange slices and a cadberry egg. THEN, I was like, 'hmm...I think I'll go to Zaxby's for lunch.' It wasn't a social thing, I wasn't meeting anyone and I wasn't even on the run. I was going to be at my house in about 10 minutes with a freezer full of 'SmartOnes' waiting on me. But, there I was ~ ordering fingers, fries and a large sweet tea for good measure. I couldn't even tell you how good it was (except the tea, which is my addiction!). I ate the entire meal before getting home. About an hour later, I had the cadberry egg and also 1/2 the bag of orange slices. My tummy hurt from all the food and so I drank more tea. Hubs wondered why I wasn't hungry for dinner, so I ended up apologizing to him about my binge, to which he replied, 'don't apologize to me. It's your body and your diet. Maybe you should apologize to yourself.'

It was just something I did without thinking...or maybe I did think. Maybe I did think about losing those 10 lbs. on Monday and then feel the need to undo it on Tuesday. Maybe I thought I 'deserved' it for losing the weight. Maybe I needed a reason to be down on myself and to beat myself up about later. Maybe I don't love myself enough to try or to care. Whatever the reason, I felt shame when I confessed to hubs and then standing naked in front of the mirror before showering. What is wrong with me? Why can't I let myself get ahead? Why can't I feel good about the 10 lbs. instead of thinking about the 40 that are left?

Maybe hubs is right...maybe I should apologize to myself. Maybe I should start to care and take pride in how far I've come. Maybe I should cut myself some slack. Maybe I should start believing in myself a little more and indulge a little less. Maybe I should prove myself wrong and actually succeed at this. Maybe, just maybe...if I could do all of that, I would not be wearing these maternity jeans as I scoop up my 10 month old son. Maybe....

Nope...Not Me!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This weekend, I certainly did NOT lay around all weekend feeling like death, I mean, nursing a cold, letting my 10 month old watch Baby Einstein on repeat, eating puffs and cheese in his highchair. I did NOT let my husband take peanut with him to the doctor on Friday so I could lay in bed and rest. I did NOT ask him what he did with peanut at the doctor's office, for fear that he set him on the floor and let him play (which by the way, he totally DID!). I did NOT use my blackberry to check my emails because I was too lazy to walk to the office to do my work. I did NOT let my phone go to voicemail when my boss called b/c I didn't feel like dealing with work. I did NOT spend too much money on my grandmother's birthday present b/c I went to a local boutique that was closest to home on the day of her party, because I did NOT want to drive all the way to town. I did NOT skip out on ice cream and cake because I felt badly and I did NOT put peanut down for bed without his bath Saturday night.

I did NOT skip church on Sunday and lie around watching Lifetime all day. I did NOT get up to brush my teeth and make some soup for lunch, which was NOT very good AT ALL. I did NOT call my parents to watch peanut so we could have a break and to my surprise, they declined because they, too, were sick. I also did NOT skip our Dave Ramsey class and sent my hubby solo because I did NOT refuse to change out of my p.j.'s all day.

Today, I did NOT just finish a board meeting at work and later, I will NOT drive over an hour to hang out with some high school students for a couple of hours. Then, I will NOT drive all the way to Rincon to weigh in at Weight Watchers. I am NOT only .6 lbs. away from losing 10 lbs. and I'm so NOT frustrated with it. I will NOT get home before 7 p.m., but thankfully my hubby will NOT have made dinner, so all I have to do it bath peanut and put him to bed. I will NOT take some more Nyquil tonight and I am NOT ready for this junk to be gone!

This is NOT my first NOT MONDAY! posting. I have NOT whined enough, so now I am out! :)

The Ex Factor

I recently heard that my ex and his wife were expecting. Even though we are both married and I have a child of my own, it seemed that to find out he was going to have a baby was odd to me. The ex...I'll call him Bob...and I dated for almost five years, from our senior year in high school to our senior year in college. We did a long distance relationship the entire time. Whether it was the distance or the fact that we were just too different, it just didn't work out and we ended our relationship five years ago. It was very hard for me b/c I after we broke ties, I realized that I had lost myself in that relationship and I didn't even know who 'Emilee' really was. I took the next couple of years figuring out 'who' I really was and in the process, met an amazing guy who is now my husband.

I always regretted how Bob and I ended our relationship. It was a very tumultuous breakup, full of drama, tears and pain. He was a very big part of my life and I completely cut all ties with him, which at the time was completely necessary for me to move on. After we both got married, we actually live right around the corner from each other in a really small town. Yet, I have only seen him once in all of that time. Somehow, everything still seemed unsettled between us, causing any interactions that we did have (via email or through friends/family) to be really awkward.

When I found out that they were expecting, my initial feeling was that of happiness. I know he and his wife will both be wonderful parents and I am excited that they get to experience parenthood like we have. The second thing I felt was the need for closure on our past relationship. It's something we never really had, even though we both moved on and have very fulfilling lives. I always felt that there was a piece of me that was lost in that breakup and I wanted to be complete again. So, I took a brave step this week and reached out to Bob through an email to offer my congratulations on their pregnancy and to hopefully mend the hurts of the past so that we could establish some sort of 'friendly' relationship for the future. In all actually, our children will probably go to school together and be involved in the same activities, so some sense of civility would be good. Thankfully, his response to me was positive and it was good to catch up on each others' lives after all of these years. I was able to apologize about the way we ended things and now I feel much better about moving on and leaving the past where it belongs.

Out of all of that, I was most nervous about telling my hubby about the emails. I just knew he would question my motives and why I felt the need to reestablish that friendship. All day, I was so antsy to tell him, but I new I had to because I wanted to be honest with him. Imagine my surprise when he acted like it really was no big deal. He could've cared less, which makes me feel good to know that he trusts me and knows my heart well enough to know that this is something that I needed to do for me.

I definitely am glad that I make the decision to send that email. Now, I can go to the store or out to eat and not worry about what will happen if we run into one another. Now, at least we can exchange hello's, catch up on life, and know that the other is right where he/she belongs and that things really do work out for the best.

"Thank You for Shopping at Kroger...You Saved $16.57"

These are words to my ears since we have begun our 'Financial Peace University' with Dave Ramsey. If you know me well, you know that I love shopping. Not just clothes or shoe shopping, but even grocery shopping. I love walking around a store, taking in all the colors, feeling all the textures, looking at different brands, comparing prices and finding the perfect 'something'. I have read every book in the 'Shopaholic' series and think I could be Becky Bloomberg. There is something about the hunt, the chase, and then finding the perfect top, or distinctive purse or a beautiful dress ~ it is literally a high for me and for a long time I couldn't get enough. And my bank account shows it.

Enter Dave Ramsey. We started this class because it was highly recommended to us by my father-in-law after he took a look at our finances one day. I have learned through this class (and my hubby), that debt is bad, cash is good and the perfect pair of shoes are actually not a need, but a want and something that can wait until we have the money to pay for them. So, I have bought into the plan and we have started an emergency fund, started paying down our bills and have begun saving for major purchases using an envelope system. Things are getting on track...

The funny thing is, as I have bought into the program, I feel that same adrenaline filled high, only instead of for clothes it is over coupons! I used to scour the Sunday paper for the department and furniture store sales, but now I'm the coupon queen, clipping them, making a list of what coupons I have and when they expire. I even have a granny-esque coupon envelope in my purse that I try to discretly hide, in case anyone where to get the idea that I might enjoy this different kind of hunt. Now, instead of online shopping, I'm online coupon hunting..which brings me to the best thing I've discovered in a long while ~ automatic coupon uploads!

Now, you can upload coupons automatically onto your Kroger card, so when you check out, it will automatically deduct the savings for you ~ in addition to the regular Kroger card carrying discounts! It's awesome! All you do is go to http://www.kroger.com/ and enter your card number. Then you can upload the coupons to your card. Once you check out, the discounts are taken automatically! There aren't many coupons on there, but in this economy, every little bit helps!

So, we are on our way to becoming debt free. I have become obsessed with coupons and tracking our spending. We only eat out once a week and we are being intentional with our money. This week, we paid off our first bill and it felt good! As Dave says, "You have to live like no one else, so eventually you can live like no one else!" Here's hoping!

That's Why They Call It Falling...

With Valentine's Day right around the corner, I've been thinking a great deal about love, relationships and everything in between. My hubby and I have been married for almost four years and now we have a little boy who has redefined by definition of love and expanded the capabilities in which I love infinitely. Our relationship has changed significantly this year since he has come into our lives. We are so much closer and our love for each other is deeper and more complete as we share in the joy of this little one. While I wouldn't trade this new kind of love for anything, with V-Day coming up, it has made me miss that feeling of falling ~ you know the kind of feeling when you first meet someone that you share that chemistry with and everything is new? The butterflies you get when you see them, the electricity you have when they touch your skin, the smile you get when you see their name on caller ID. When you go to the movies and raise the armrest so you can snuggle and sit next to each other at the restaurant because you can't stand to be that far apart. When every song on the radio describes you perfectly and you think all week about what you're going to wear on your date that weekend. I have always loved the feeling of falling in love and the first parts of love always have a special place in my heart.

This year, I've learned a new kind of falling in love that has been so different and so much deeper than all of that. I have fallen in love with a little boy who has stolen my heart and brought me so much happiness that sometimes I feel like my heart will burst. I have laughed when he laughs and cried when he has cried and have experienced the highest and the lowest part of caring for another. Since having Rhett, I have learned that love isn't stagnant, but it is ever changing. So, this year ~ love has a completely new meaning to me. Love is not just butterflies and kisses, nights out and quality time. This year, love has meant months of sleepless nights, awaking to the cries of my little one. I think I have spent hours in that rocking chair, getting him back to sleep only to do it all over again in a few hours. Love has also meant spending four months of my life being the sole nourishment for his tiny newborn body. Breastfeeding is the ultimate test of giving up yourself for the wellbeing of another. Love has also meant changing some of the worst diapers imaginable, being covered in vomit, five minute showers, and waking up at 5 am, even on the weekends. Having this child has made me realize that love isn't just a feeling, but it is the act of giving yourself completely to another ~ physically, emotionally and literally.

With the addition of Rhett in our lives, the love that Branden and I share is completely different too. We may not go out on Friday nights to dinner and a movie anymore, but we have spent many nights hanging out on the floor, laughing and playing with Rhett and then collapsed in exhaustion together once he has gone to bed. We have taken turns eating dinner, taking showers and watching t.v. because one of us has to always be with rhett. We have negotiated and compromised on things that are important to each of us as we raise him together. More than anything, we have each learned to go out of our way to show our care and concern for the other and the little things have become so important.

This Valentine's Day, I may not get flowers, candy and a great night out. But, I guarantee when I get up Saturday morning, the baby will have been fed, the house cleaned, the dishes washed, laundry done and fresh coffee will be brewing. I couldn't ask for more!

Moonbeams and Daydreams...

I titled my new blog this because I thought it was cute and it reflected my whimsical nature and also one of my favorite books for my son. When I did a google search on this, it brought up a song written by Sting and The Police. I thought that was cool...until I started reading:

Once upon a daydream
I fell in love with you
Once upon a moonbeam
I gave that love to you
Once upon a lifetime
I know it must be true
When the months had turned us
I’d have to marry you

Once upon a daydream
Doesn’t happen anymore
Once upon a moonbeam
This is no place for tenderness
Once her daddy found out
He threw her to the floor
He killed her unborn baby
And kicked me from the door

Once upon a nightmare
I bought myself a gun
I blew her daddy’s brains out
Now hell has just begun
Once upon a daydream
Doesn’t happen anymore
Once upon a moonbeam
This is no place for sentiment

Once upon a lifetime
A lifetime filled with tears
The boy would pay for his crime
With all his natural years
Once upon a daydream
He’d make you his someday
Once upon a moonbeam
He’d dream his life away

Once upon a daydream
Doesn’t happen anymore
Once upon a moonbeam
This is no place for miracles
Once upon a daydream
Once upon a daydream
Once upon a daydream
Once upon a day... dream

Unwed pregnancy, domestic abuse, and murder wasn't exactly what I was thinking. I haven't heard this song, but the lyrics made me think twice about the title of this blog! So much for whimsy, creativeness and innocence, huh?!? :)

Just Getting Started...

I've decided to start blogging ~ as a creative outlet for my writing and for my random thoughts and findings throughout my days! Thanks for being patient as I try to figure this thing out!

xoxoxo,
Emilee