Weighty Issues...

I have done it. I have finally lost my first 10 lbs. since starting Weight Watchers in November. While I am happy with finally losing 10, I still have about 40 left to go. Before I got pregnant, I was doing a 'medical' weight loss plan, which included taking amphetamine weight loss pills given to me by a local doctor. When I was doing that, the lbs. seemed to melt away. I didn't even really diet or excerise, I just naturally lost the weight, or so it seemed. I was extremely shaky and irritable,and hardly ever slept. But, at least I was losing weight, right? Then, when we had trouble getting preggo, I came off the meds ~ I mean, why try to lose weight when your going to be fat and pregnant for almost a year? So, the bulge came right back on. Just as my size 14 jeans were getting to hard to button, I got the 'double pink line'! I ran out and bought some maternity jeans and thought I surely had found love. They were amazing...a secret fit belly ~ no muffin top ~ eating all that I wanted and still being able to breath ~ Wow! What more could a girl ask for?!?

During my pregnancy, I was uber-sick and seemed to revert back to my childhood eating habits. Pop-Tarts for breakfast, pasta for lunch and pizza for dinner and as much ice cream as I wanted. Needless to say, my mom wasn't exactly a health nut, but was still the skinniest thing you've ever seen. Nothing was off limits and I enjoyed every second of 'eating for two,' as they say. I think I skipped right over the 'healthy pregnancy' diet in the 'What to Expect' book, and as my belly expanded, I blamed it on the baby.

Some of it was the baby ~ he came 10 days early at 10 lbs. and 3 oz. However, alot of it was me. I gained 70 lbs total with that child. 50 of which fell off pretty easily. I think alot of it was attributed to my massive amount of swelling. I could literally hear water sloshing around as I waddled. I was left with 20 lbs. of 'baby weight' and serious body issues from my c-section. When my maternity jeans started getting tight and people began asking if I was pregnant again a few months ago, I thought it might be time to do something.

Enter Weight Watchers. I have had a love/hate relationship with this plan for about five years. When I first did it in college, I was very successful. I lost about 30 lbs. with my roommate. Over the years, I've been up and down and have always returned to that dreaded room and the 'day of reckoning' with the scales. Each time, I have either given up or gotten sidetracked. I think sometimes, I sabatoge myself because of my failed attempts in the past, I don't really believe I can do it. Somewhere in my subconscious, I believe that because I'm going to fail anyway, why should I even try? Which is what led me to my binge yesterday.

I don't know why I even ended up in the drive-thru. I went to CVS to get a couple of things, and walked out with those gummy orange slices and a cadberry egg. THEN, I was like, 'hmm...I think I'll go to Zaxby's for lunch.' It wasn't a social thing, I wasn't meeting anyone and I wasn't even on the run. I was going to be at my house in about 10 minutes with a freezer full of 'SmartOnes' waiting on me. But, there I was ~ ordering fingers, fries and a large sweet tea for good measure. I couldn't even tell you how good it was (except the tea, which is my addiction!). I ate the entire meal before getting home. About an hour later, I had the cadberry egg and also 1/2 the bag of orange slices. My tummy hurt from all the food and so I drank more tea. Hubs wondered why I wasn't hungry for dinner, so I ended up apologizing to him about my binge, to which he replied, 'don't apologize to me. It's your body and your diet. Maybe you should apologize to yourself.'

It was just something I did without thinking...or maybe I did think. Maybe I did think about losing those 10 lbs. on Monday and then feel the need to undo it on Tuesday. Maybe I thought I 'deserved' it for losing the weight. Maybe I needed a reason to be down on myself and to beat myself up about later. Maybe I don't love myself enough to try or to care. Whatever the reason, I felt shame when I confessed to hubs and then standing naked in front of the mirror before showering. What is wrong with me? Why can't I let myself get ahead? Why can't I feel good about the 10 lbs. instead of thinking about the 40 that are left?

Maybe hubs is right...maybe I should apologize to myself. Maybe I should start to care and take pride in how far I've come. Maybe I should cut myself some slack. Maybe I should start believing in myself a little more and indulge a little less. Maybe I should prove myself wrong and actually succeed at this. Maybe, just maybe...if I could do all of that, I would not be wearing these maternity jeans as I scoop up my 10 month old son. Maybe....