It's Saturday....

It's Saturday.  The day before Sunday.  Today, most people will be running errands, working in the yard, spending time with family, or doing a myriad of mindless tasks to check off their lists.  For me and my family, this is the day before Sunday.  Before the Sunday that changed our lives forever.  So, a year ago, we rose early, went to the hospital, sat vigil at the side of my daddy in ICU, welcomed guests, giving hugs and weak smiles and hoping to make them feel appreciated for their visit, all the while longing to be sitting vigil by his side.  We talked to each other in hushed whispers, made phone calls to give updates, and held on to hope. That Friday changed everything, as we left for a quick lunch at Carey Hilliards, urging him to drink his protein shake and that we would see him in just a few minutes. What a shock to get a phone call from Casey, "hurry, please.  I don't know what's wrong with dad.  I need you."  Rushing upstairs, the man that we gave quick kisses and admonishes about eating to was no longer there, replaced with someone talking incoherently and agitated. When the doctors came in on Friday and put him on that ventilator, we hoped to believe them when they said that it was only going to give his body a chance to rest, to not fight so hard, to recoup.  When the kidney doctor came in with that big dialysis machine, we hoped to believe it would only be temporary. We hoped to believe them when they said there was a chance he would be able to come off all of it.  We hoped to believe them when they said they've had patients stay on them for two weeks, and still come out of it and recover. We hoped to believe and only heard what we wanted to hear.  We approved those things with the hope to make him better not knowing it would be the beginning of the end.  With a fear in his eyes that I'll never forget, I sang "glory glory hallelujah" to my daddy as they sedated him on that ventilator.  Hoping and not yet knowing that would be the last time I would ever see his eyes.  Hoping he knew how much I loved him.  How much I desperately needed him to get better.  Naively, we spoke of the ventilator and dialysis as a good thing.  A chance for him to rest.  To give his body a break.  Naively, we were relieved that there was a break from his struggle.  Naively, we were comforted by the stillness of his body and the higher numbers on the monitors, showing his oxygen levels and breathing to be stable.  We didn't even realize that we would never see his body move again.  It was the beginning of the end and yet, we focused on the positive, not even realizing that death was only two days away.

Its Saturday.  It's been 364 days since my daddy died.  This time last year, we still didn't know that it was our last full day of normalicy.  I stayed home that morning, resting and spending time with Rhett.  It was a pretty uneventful day.  This vitals were stable, normal even.  We ate lunch with our family at Applebee's.  I brought Rhett to the hospital.  He watched The Wiggles with Aunt Michelle 100 times and provided some much needed entertainment in the waiting room.  There was another family there.  Their father was about the same age as daddy and had complication from a heart procedure.  I remember listening to them talk about him getting better.  I was resentful and yet happy that they didn't have the same suffering that we did.  People came and went.  Same weak smiles, hugs all around, half listening to their stories, half dead brained and numb.  We left early that Saturday night.  He was stable the nurses said.  They would call if something changed.  Go rest.  He's in good hands.  Kisses on his cheek, "I love you daddy." I drove mama home, how, I don't know, as we were both in a dense fog that I'm not yet sure has lifted. 

Sunday we get up and get dressed.  Another day at the hospital.  A phone call from the nurse ~ "you can come on up if you want."  What does that mean?  Another race to Savannah, with the flashers on.  Here we go on that roller coaster again.  I don't remember alot about Sunday morning after our meeting with Dr. Bottner, a sweet but blunt cardiologist on call.  He brought us into that little room I had grown to hate.  We hear "his body is shutting down.  Kidney failure.  Heart failure.  Not going to get better.  Vegetable state. Your choice is to leave him like this or to cut the machines now.  Nothing will save him.  Nothing will make him better. We've done all we can.  His body is too weak for the fight.  Too much fluid.  He is drowning.  I'm so sorry.  What would you like to do?"  What would we like to do?!?!?  We would like to not be having this conversation.  We'd like for him to open his eyes.  We'd like for this to be a bad dream.  We'd like to take him home now.  But those are not our choices.  Our choices are to let him live or help him die.  It's probably not really like that, but that's how it felt.  How could we choose to turn off those machines?  How could we choose to end his life?  I know all the while, he wasn't waking up.  It was a matter of time.  We were helping him not to suffer.  Rationally, I know all of this.  At the time, there is no rational, only pure, raw emotion, that rocks your body to the core, physically and otherwise.  My grandparents, his parents, weren't even there yet.  How long do we have?  Not very long.  Ok.  It seemed like they were asking something as inane as would you like paper or plastic...except this was life or death.  By now, you know the choice and it's not something I can really even talk about for somewhere deep inside, it still feels like we chose to kill him.  Again, rationally, I know it's not so and I don't need for everyone to tell me such, but it's my raw human emotion, the kind you know isn't true, but you can't help but feel. 

So, Sunday morning while the majority of our friends were in their respective church services, praying, lifting hands, worshipping, listening to a sermon, thinking about lunch, we all gathered in a small hospital room and listened the heart stop of the man we loved more than life itself. It was almost too cruel to hear that monitor beep, beep, beep, slower, slower, slower, then one big breath, then...nothing.  One by one, people left.  Cousins, aunts, uncles...I don't even remember who all was there that day.  It was almost scary how quickly the change from his living body to his dead body took place. And in those moments where our hearts almost audibly broke in two pieces, his was restored.  While our lives were torn in half, his was put back together, healed, and brought to the living God for a complete wholeness to which we will never know until we too, have that experience.  I couldn't watch that transformation from life to death and had to leave the room, yet couldn't bear the thought of leaving my daddy, which left me collapsed on the floor outside his room, not knowing what to do next.  How do we leave him here?  Where do we go after all of this time spent at the hospital?  What are we supposed to do for the rest of this day, what we thought would be another day of vigil?  The rest of this day, this week, this year?  What to do now? 

What we did was nothing short of pure survival.  We planned a funeral. I wrote the obituary for the paper.  We were shocked by the number of people who came to love on us at the visitation and the burial site.  The names and the faces of these people are continuously in my mind and we speak of them often.  "Do you remember so and so coming?"  "I saw his name in the book, but I don't remember seeing him."  Or, "wow, they came all the way from ____ for us."  I didn't know if that line on Tuesday night would ever end and in a strange way, I didn't want it to.  What a testament to my daddy and our family that we would be loved on so completely.  It was a very real way of God pouring his love out on us when we needed it. 

In the days, weeks, and months to follow, we have been stretched, pulled, bent, and tried, but we have survived.  It hasn't been ideal nor in the way that people thought we might have reacted, but it's the way we have chosen to fight, to survive.  I believe that God has shown us an extraordinary measure of grace and love.  In Matthew, it says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."  And, I believe we have experienced that comfort.  Sometimes it is hard, especially when we feel the expectation of others, but we must keep our minds focused on the fact that this has been our cross to bear.  This is the path that God has chosen for us and no one else will be able to understand our unique path because it is not their own.  Even our own individual paths are different ~ I react to situations differently from my mom, my brother, my grandparents, or aunts and uncles because each of us was touched by daddy in a different way.  To me, he was a wonderful daddy, to my mom, her helpmate, her best friend, to my grandparents, a literal piece of them that is missing, my aunts and uncles, he was a brother, a friend, a constant.  So, we each have a different reaction, but are yet united in grief and our intense love for him.  It binds us like never before and makes us even more grateful and appreciative for those in our own lives.  It has been an unbearable year, but we have survived.  We have made it.  We are stronger and closer than ever before.  And we will continue to grow as we travel this path laid out before us.  I will never understand why we were chosen for this task, but I do know one thing.  I know that if he could bear witness to our journey, my daddy would be so proud of each of us as we have perservered through this dark, mostly uphill journey with strength, grace, poise, and determination.  And even if there are bumps along the way, we know we will make it and keep going, because really, not going forward it not a viable option.  So, forward we go, as we pause this weekend to honor the life of a beautiful man and each other's long journeys, and then keep walking this road, together and united in our fight and love for the Lord, daddy, and each other. 

Before and After

I had pretty much given up on blogging until now.  There was just too much to say and not the words to say it as we continue to learn how to live without the anchor of our family.  We are doing well and working things out.  We have good days and bad days, but continue to improve each day.  But, that's not what we're here to talk about.  That is not the reason I decided to come back to the blogging world. 

The reason I came back here was blatent, all-out, bragging.  I needed an outlet to brag on myself a little, so I chose the most obvious one, the blog world.  So, thanks in advance for allowing me some self-indulgence. 

This year, we returned to Athens for football season and have so far, had a great time.  As I was posting pictures from yesterday, I was looking through pictures from last year and was shocked to actually see the difference in myself in just a year.  I know I have worked very hard to get back in shape over the past year, but to see the results is amazing, if I do say so myself.  The difference is 40 lbs.  See for yourself:



2009



2010





People ask me all the time what I've done to get these results.  I have done the elliptical, pilates, and revamped my eating habits, but not too consistently over the past two years.  This fall, I'm incorporating interval training in order to hopefully run a 5K in December before our family goes on a cruise for Christmas.  If it's something I can do, it'll be one of my most proud accomplishments.  These results give me the motivation to keep going.  Who knows what next year might bring.  If it's another 20 lbs. lost, then bring it on!





"Jesus Bring the Rain"

One of the most often asked questions that I get asked as a Christian is 'how do you know when the Lord is speaking to you?' and it is one that I have even asked myself.  Sometimes, it's a book that someone has loaned me that speaks directly to my soul, other times it's when I'm having a  conversation with someone else that I hear his voice, and sometimes it's just the feeling of peace that passes all understanding in the bottom of my soul that I know can only come from Him.  Once about 10 years ago, a dear friend of mine told me that God speaks directly to her by giving her rainbows.  Every time she is struggling with something, God will show her a rainbow to let her know that He is still with her.  I thought that was cool and begin to wonder how exactly God showed himself to me in a direct and consistent way.  What I discovered was that He always gives me one song that ministers directly to my heart. 

That one song becomes an anthem of sorts, that I can listen to over and over again, bringing comfort and peace to know God is in control.  When I was going through a bad breakup, it was 'Landslide,' by Stevie Nicks (I didn't say it was always a 'Christian' song!).  When my dad as in the hospital five years ago, it was 'Voice of Truth,' by Mercy Me.  And when my parents were in Texas, it was 'Peace' by Jennifer Knapp.  After I had Rhett, I would sing the old hymns to him at bedtime, lulling him to sleep and bringing peace to my tired body and mind with 'Glory, Glory Hallelujah," "Amazing Grace," and "At The Cross."

I can't explain how I know one song is given to me from the Lord for a time such as this, but I just know.  Since my daddy passed away, I have heard many, many songs on the radio from christian and secular stations, but most cause me to turn the station, bringing tears of sorrow from the grief and mourning in my heart.  This morning, though...this morning...I received it.  My song from the Lord.  The one that speaks peace deep into my heart.  The one that strengthens my faith.  The one that I can stand on as a voice of truth amid a sea of emotions that come from the grief of losing my daddy.  It's not a new song...but it's new to me. 

So, without further adeu, I give you "Jesus, Bring the Rain," from Mercy Me as a testament that God still speaks to His children and that He provides for our every need:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m17af0XmPFo&feature=related.

I hope it speaks to you as it has to me.  If not though, don't worry.  God probably has a different way for you.  Keep your eyes open ~ you don't want to miss the blessing He has in store!

Walking in the Shadow...

To say this has been the darkest part of my life would be an understatement.  It will be a week ago tomorrow since my daddy passed away and I still have no words to describe how I feel or how we are functioning.  I wish I had the ability to write something profound or inspirational, but right now I barely have the words to say 'I'm okay' and mean it. 

I miss my daddy.  I miss hearing his voice on the phone and his truck in the drive.  I miss his laugh when he rolls around on the floor with Rhett.  I miss feeling his hugs and his 'love you em' before I leave the house.  His yard shoes still sit by the door and his cross still hangs in the bathroom.  Everything I do reminds me of him, or should I say, the absence of him.  I see the pain in the eyes of my brother and the sadness in the eyes on my mom and know that they are mirroring my own.  I watch my husband try to be everything to everyone, all the while wishing he could take the pain away.  I hear everyone telling me that it'll take time and to call them if I need anything, but I can't even figure out what I need to be able to tell them.  The only thing I need is him...nothing else will make this any easier, but that's not an option.  He is the only one who didn't ask anything of me, expect me to be anything, other than who I am in his eyes.  I didn't have to give anything to daddy except my love and I didn't have to be strong for him because he was always strong for me.

A week ago, I watched them put daddy on a ventilator to breath for him.  At that point, I thought I knew where this was going and tried to prepare myself.  But, nothing can prepare you for watching your daddy take his last breaths and then see the rigor or death set in.  While it was difficult seeing his body lying there, absent of life, it was strangely comforting too.  It was so obvious that the body lying there in the bed was no longer him, but just the outer shell of the man in my heart.  I grieve the loss of a wonderful man, but he is no longer there in that cemetary, but he is walking with the Lord, which brings me great peace and joy in my heart.  I do not think Daddy would choose to come back here to us, because he is in a perfect place.  Rather, he would wish we could join him instead.

While I hurt and my heart is breaking, I still have the peace that passes all understanding in this situation.  I believe that daddy was sick far longer than we realized, but he didn't want to burden us with his pain.  I believe that his suffering was too unbearable and his body could no longer cope with the burden of living, which was exacerbated by the pneumonia that eventually led to his death.  I believe that God called him to heaven for a reason, which is not mine to question, but instead trust in His plans and know that He only wants the best for me.  I believe that Daddy now dwells in the shadows of the Lord Almighty and is walking the banks of the lakes with Jesus.  I know he is now experiencing the fullness of Jesus Christ and I am joyful for his sake.  I also believe that God's hand is upon us, as we grieve and learn how to create a new kind of normal.  We can feel his presence and the prayers of his people.  We trust that He is going to do things in our lives that are far greater than we could ever imagine.  We hope that God would be glorified in this situation and that when people see us, they would see the Holy Spirit's covering upon us. 

God never said it would be easy, but he did say to trust in Him and it would be worth it.  So, while we walk through the shadow of death in this season of our lives, we will fear no evil for he is with us.  He is our comforter and our deliverer.  We are leaning against him to find our peace, our refuge, and our strength. 


Psalms 34:15-18
"The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry;
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalms 91:1-2

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

John 14:1-3
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

Romans 8:38-39
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

 

 

It's My Blog Birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, MOONBEAMS AND DAYDREAMS!

I guess it's technically an anniversary, but I think birthdays are much more fun...because they involve cupcakes, icing, and sprinkles.  And, I missed the actual date of my first blog, which was a year ago on 2/9/09, but this will have to do. 

So here we are...one year and 48 posts later!  I started this as a place to leave my thoughts, share some insights and maybe a little inspiration.  Along the way, I have met new friends, gained a few followers, and learned so much about myself.  And you have too!  You've read about my life, including my struggle with weight loss, my adventures as a new mommy, my collected memories from the past, and the things that the Lord has shown me along the way, and you've enduring the endless pictures of my adorable son! 

I hope you have enjoyed (or at least endured) this blog as much as I have.  For me, writing is much like therapy, allowing me to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper (or on the screen, in this case), where I can leave them.  More than anything, I hope that my transparency and honesty here has made a small difference in someone else's life because it sure has made a difference in mine!

So, happy birthday blog!  Blow out your candles and make a wish...

Finding Rest...

Lately, God has been tugging at my heartstrings as he has been drawing me back to him.  Not that I ever 'left' him, but in the busy-ness of life, I have allowed my time and relationship with him to get pushed to the back.  I neglected my prayer life, my quiet times, and my bible study and my heart has suffered the consequences.  So, in the spirit of the new year, I have tried to reprioritize my life and make time for these things again.  Granted, I've only been doing this for two days, but my heart and my spirit are already so refreshed!  This morning's passage in my little devotional is so great, I couldn't wait to share it.  And when I saw that it came from one of my very favorite writers, Eugenia Price, I knew the Lord had given me a very sweet kiss this morning.  So, here you go:

 Jesus said:  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." ~ Matt. 11:28-29

"Here lies the source of the rest He offers:  If we come just as we are, He will welcome us.  Spiritual fatigue, a burdened heart, the ugly mess we make of our lives, causes us to long for rest - any kind of rest from the inner and outer tensions against which we struggle.  To expect such a troubled spirit to improve itself, to untangle its own problems, is as impossible as to expect a man with two broken legs to sprint.

God offers the kind of inner rest that releases the energy we need to change out inadequacies to adequacies.  I have never known anyone who could do the job alone.  Jesus must have seen it this way.  Otherwise He would not have extended His inclusive invitation to all those who were in particular need of rest.

Two things are necessary for us:  we must see our need and we must come.  The rest is up to God.  And He can move into action on our behalf much more swiftly if we come - just as we are.  Making no excuses, offering no explanations of how we got this way, but only expecting Him to act - not according to OUR idea of One who sits in judgement - rather, as He is...a God of love. 

If we come as we are, expecting God to be there waiting for us as He is, we see at once that we are not the determining factor.  God is."

~ Eugenia Price

I pray that you will know that kind of rest today...the kind of rest in your soul that allows you to crawl into your heavenly Father's lap and cast all your cares and troubles upon Him.  He will then give you the energy and the strength to face it all with a peace that passes all understanding, as you trust in Him.

Go ahead...Make My Day!

So, other than spending a great 30th birthday with my wonderful family, here are a couple of things that happened that just made my day!

1.  I went to a Golddigger's jewelry party on a whim today.  I traded two bracelets for $245 and still kept the diamonds.  The thing about this is that we have pay our property taxes at the end of the month and have been about $300 off the mark...God is cool like that.

2.  I FINALLY got all of my itunes songs, and more importantly, my workout playlist, loaded onto my blackberry.  This is huge for me, because I've been trying to do this for WEEKS, and now I can go to the gym anytime without having to work out a schedule with the hubs for the ipod.

3.  The City of Savannah announced this week that they are beginning an amnesty program for people who have unpaid parking tickets.  If you know me well, you know why that made my day!  I don't know how much $$ I have racked up parking fines, but I'd be willing to bet that I'm on the naughty list for this one.

4.  I happened to drive by the house that I grew up in today and noticed some firetrucks down the street, so I decided to investigate.  Long story short, the city is burning down the houses on that block to make room for a park, supposedly.  I talked the firemen into letting me take a look around and man, was that like stepping back into a time machine!  It looked SO much smaller than I remember.  I certainly don't remember living in a small box and it seems like we had a lot of stuff back then, so I'm not sure how my mom made it work, but she did.  I'm pretty sure my bedroom was supposed to be closet, but looking back, I don't remember it being small at all.  I remember my daybed with the trundle that my cousin, Penny slept on almost every weekend.  I remember my white dresser with the white eyelet lamp shade and the flowers my daddy gave me once.  I remember the hanging closet in the corner b/c the room didn't have one.  I remember looking out the window and watching my dad work in his shop and laying in bed and watching T.V. through the mini blinds at night.  So, although it was teeny tiny, the most important thing is that our parents made it work and we never realized how cramped it really was because we were too busy having a wonderful childhood. 

It was very sad to see my childhood home being ripped apart, board by board.  I walked through and remembered running around, playing chase with my brother, climbing into my parents bed at night (the wood paneling was still on the walls!), sitting at the bar doing my homework and watching my mom iron, and riding our bikes up and down the sidewalk.  It was a great place to live and I have many, many fond memories of that place.  I walked out with tears in my eyes (I'm pretty sure those firemen thought I was a little looney), and looking up and down the street, I saw one of our old neighbors, Mrs. Thompson, who lived two doors down.  I remember her being old then, but she hadn't aged much at all.  She was so surprised to see me and had tears in her eyes as she told me about her grandson T.J., who was one of my best friends growing up, living in California and how lonely she is without him.  She told me all about her bad day at the doctor's office, her frustration with getting older, and all the changes that had happened in the old neighborhood.  I'm pretty sure that I made her week, maybe her month, just by stopping by and saying hi.  While it was very sad to think about my old home being burnt to the ground, I was very humbled to have the opportunity to take one more walk through and share some memories with a jewel of a lady who was like another grandmother to me.  The irony of getting to do so on my 30th birthday wasn't lost on me, either. It was like God just chose to sprinkle me with blessings, for which I am extremely grateful.

So, I guess the first day of my 30's was pretty great.  I'm looking forward to the weekend for more celebrating with hubs and the rest of my family as well.  And, to say that I'm blessed beyond measure would be the understatement of the year!  :) 

Hello 30's...I've been waiting for you my whole life!

I don't have much time to expound on how I feel about turning 30 tomorrow,and there is much to say about what I've learned and how I've grown in the past decade. I will leave you with this little thought:

This photo is from New Year's Eve 2002. I call that the year my life changed forever!  We went out in downtown Athens, had a great time, and if I remember correctly, I randomly kissed the guy standing next to me at midnight (b/c I'm so wild like that...lol)! 

And this one is from this past weekend.

My bff abby and her family came down to visit for a few days.  We went to dinner with our hubby's, took our kids to the bounce house, and drew cows on the sidewalk for fun.  I don't know about her, but I think I enjoyed this weekend much better than that one so long ago.  And,considering the seven years difference in these pictures includes both of us having babies, I'd so we don't look so bad after all this time!  I mean, thirty IS the new twenty after all!  :)

LOVE!

Immediate Blessings...

Yesterday was one of my worst days ever. I don't know why, but I've been so cranky and dissatisfied with my life lately. I've just been in the worst mood lately, which is totally unlike me. I have picked fights with my hubby, let things bother me that usually don't, and found myself discontent with my job, which is pretty much amazing. It always takes talking to my BFF who reminds me that this is a monthly thing with me and that I should just let it run it's course. And, she's usually right. Although this time, I did feel like I was dissatisfied with some particular things in my heart that needed to be dealt with.

Sometimes, I think the Lord causes us to be dissatisfied with our lives so we will reevaulate where we are and make changes for the better. I think that is where I was and it all come to head yesterday. First of all, I feel that my relationship with the Lord isn't where it should be and I need to do something about that. So, I'm going to make my bible study and prayer time more of a priority in my life, somehow. Secondly, I realize that I am in need of good, close Christian girl friends. After feeling the Lord prompting me to reach out to a couple of girls that I knew but not very well, I sent them both an email asking them if we could start a playdate/bible study group, knowthing that they would probably think I was crazy. Well, wouldn't you know that both of them were excited about it and have needed something like that in their lives as well. We now have a date set to get together and I couldn't be more excited! And lastly, I realized that hubs and I needed to focus on our marriage more and try to make each other happier by doing the things that we know will please the other. Too often, our lives focus on being parents and we neglect each other as spouses, which causes discontent. When explaining all of this to my hubs, he agreed and we are now on the same page. We are even going to find a Sunday School class at church together, which will be a first in a long time for us.

To top it all off, I found out that the City of Savannah is offering me (and all the other deliquents out there) amnesty for my unpaid parking tickets!!!!! Woo Hoo! All I have to do is pay the original fines and they'll wave the late fees. No more holding my head in shame as I pass the parking ticket office every day or being scared of being booted when I park on the squares. And, Tennessee lost their head coach, which makes a great day in the Bulldog nation.

So, what started as a crappy day ended up being a very happy one. I think that just as he allows the discontentment in our hearts which causes us to turn to him, he also pours out his blessings upon us to remind us that when we turn our problems and troubles over to him, He always has a perfect plan and a way that is so much better than ours. I just hope it will stick this time...

Knockin' on Thirty's Door...

In eight days, I turn the big 3-0. I cannot believe it! I swear I just got those tickets to go see 'Grease' on my 18th birthday last year and remember celebrating my 21st like it was yesterday. Now, approaching the exit of one decade and knocking on the door of another. It's kind of scary when you think about it.

The thing is, when I turned 20, I pretty much knew what was up the road. I knew I still had to finish college, I would probably get a good job, and would eventually get married and have a family. I guess looking back, that is exactly what I did. Well, except I stayed in college and got two degrees, have had three jobs since then, and got married to a completely different person than I expected. But, it's all good...for real. You make a lot of really big decisions in your twenties. You decide where to live, what to major in, where to work, who to marry, and if you're like me and most of my friends, you start having babies.

I guess in your 30's, you begin to live out the product of those decisions, good or bad. I was talking to a friend the other day who was telling me that she hated her field of work and was considering going back to school to do something else entirely. The only problem is, she's 30 with two kids, a mortgage, etc. and doesn't know how to make it work. Should she stay in a job that she hates for the rest of her life because of a decision she made when she was 20? It's a tough decision that comes with some very real considerations. The problem with making all those decisions when you're so young is that you change SO much in those ten years. I am not the same person I was at 20 when I was at UGA, or even at 25 when I got married. Nor will I be the same at 40 as I am at 30, God willing. We can't constantly look back and think, 'if only life was as simple as when I was younger.' Or second guess our own decisions and wonder, 'what if I had chosen differently?' because that only makes you dissatisfied with the life you are currently living. We grow, we change, and we have to make the most with what we have been given or what the outcome of those choices brings. Life's too short to constantly look back and wonder 'what if?' Before you know it, another decade will have passed and you'll be reminscing about how great you had it 'back then.' You can't change where you are, but you can control where you are going and it's up to you whether you move forward or allow yourself to backwards, longing for 'what might have been' through rose-tinted glasses, no less.

So, here's to my new decade and whatever it may bring. I pray it will be much peace, much happiness, and more growth and change within me. In my next thirty years, I hope I will have been stretched, grown, changed, challenged, blessed, loved, and have been loved even more than in these past ones. Here's to my 30's...and whatever they may bring! :)

I'm no Scarlett Johannson, but...

I was sweating it out on the elliptical machine yesterday when the girl next to me was getting off, so I borrowed her copy of Glamour Magazine to pass the time (and to keep me from being obsessive about watching the clock). I looked at the cover and saw a red-headed and always gorgeous Scarlett Johannson.




As I looked over the cover, it occured to me that Scarlett's hair color, which was stunning on her, was eerily similar to my new red-tinted do, which I haven't been crazy about since I made the switch to go darker. I have been obsessing about it being too red, too dark, or not right for my skin color. I have waited on people to mention it, so I could explain that it wasn't exactly the look I was going for and have contemplated going back to the salon to get it redone more brown and less red.

It got me to thinking...as women, why are we so hard on ourselves but so much more accepting of others? As I looked at Scarlett's picture on the front, I thought..."Look how great she looks with red hair! Good for her to try something different and pull it off." But, when I look at my own hair, I think..."Oh my God! What was I thinking? This color is hideous on me and makes me look like a freak." Why can't I cut myself some slack and accept myself as just as gorgeous as Scarlett? I guess it comes down to self-esteem.

As I thumbed through the rest of the mag, I came across this photo:



(you can read the entire article here: www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2009/08/what-everyone-but-you-sees-about-your-body)

This picture is of size 12 plus size model, Liz Miller. Glamour has decided to start featuring more plus sized models in their upcoming issues in order to have a more diverse showing in their magazines. What strikes me the most about this photo is how comfortable she seems in her own skin. She is not only gorgeous, but confident and happy with herself, just as she is. And she is my size. Her belly looks like mine, her arms look like mine, and she has a little pudge when she crosses her legs, just like mine. So, why do I consider her body beautiful and my own overweight, fat, and disgusting? Is it because she IS more confident and therefore, more happy with herself? Or is it because she has accepted herself for just as she is, where confidence begins?

The editor noted in the November issue that they had so many responses to this photo that they did a follow-up article featuring multiple nude plus size models. (http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/2009/10/these-bodies-are-beautiful-at-every-size). She said that one mother wrote in to say that when her daughter saw the photo, she said "Mama, she looks just like you...beautiful." Doesn't that just melt your heart? The editor spoke to the thoughts I had previously ~ about how we as women, can be so hard on ourselves, while others see the beauty in us that we can't see in ourselves. Also, how we can accept others and their flaws as positives, but are so negative about ourselves.

It is time as women, that we begin to accept ourselves and each other for how we are, how the good Lord created us, and to stop being so hard on ourselves, creating negative body images, bad self-esteem, and overall unhappiness in our lives. For the sake of our daughters, our nieces, our sisters, and all the young ladies that we come in contact with. We are the ones they learn from and if we can learn to love and accept ourselves just as we are, then they can too.

To continue in this spirit, the editor challenged Glamour readers to send in comments about their bodies, but they could only be positive statements. No negativity accepted. So, I began to wonder what my friends, my family members, and my blog readers (all four of you!) would say if you could tell me one reason why you love your body and yourselves? Come on and play this game with me...how are you proud of your body or what do you love about yourself?

For me, I love that I am strong enough to lift my son up in my arms and I'm soft enough to rock him to sleep at night. I love that my eyes are the same color as my brother's, my mom's, and my dad's, reminding me that I'm part of a strong family and our ties run deep. And, I love when people tell me that I favor my mom, because I think she is one of the prettiest women in this world and I would be happy to age as gracefully as she has.

What about you? What do you love about your body? As women, may we strive to think positively about ourselves and cut us and each other a little slack.

Trick or Treat...

Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat. If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear!" Does anyone remember this little ditty from childhood? I wonder who came up with that saying anyway?

Another Halloween has come and gone and another massacre took place in Jacksonville. We won't talk about the beating Georgia took on Saturday. Let's just say that this isn't going to be our year. I love Halloween for many reasons (yes...other than the fact that it includes massive amounts of chocolate!). When we were kids, we celebrated my cousin Jeremiah's birthday on Halloween, all gathering at Granny's house for hot dogs, chili and getting dressed up. We couldn't wait for the adults to finish eating and cleaning up the kitchen (penny if you're reading this...you are laughing now!), so we could head out to collect the goods. My cousin Penny and I are only 13 months apart and were pretty much inseparable. We would skip down the road, run up to the houses, and ring the doorbells hand in hand. When we got to the scary houses...the ones with people coming out of coffins and the guy who sat on his porch with a microphone calling 'children, children...come here children!', she was the one who told me not to be scared and dragged me up on the porches. She's the one who got me to try mustard on my hot dogs, how to put on eyeliner, and that Santa Claus wasn't real (thanks penny!). She has always inspired me to be daring, brave and adventurous and helped me discover that in those times, the most fun is had.

As I have reached adulthood, I wanted to continue the Halloween tradition. So, we gather all of our families at our house, cook chili and hot dogs and head out trick or treating. This year was so much fun with Rhett because he is much more aware of what is going on. We loaded him up in his wagon and took off. His eyes were big as saucers as he checked out all the other kids and laughed at his Nana, who dressed up as a clown.




He was the cutest Tigger you've ever seen...



Who's not spoiled or anything, kicked back on his pillow while the rest of us hoofed it through the neighborhood...



He almost fell out...only giving him his second wind for later that night when he put on a show for his grandparents!



And a good time was had by all!

I am a Good Wife...

Really, I am. I mean ~ I could be better, I admit...but my hubs, he has it pretty good. Do you want to know why? Of course you do! Our four year anniversary was October 1st, which was a Thursday. We didn't do much of anything b/c we were leaving on Friday to go to a Georgia game, for which we have season tickets for. Hubs promised we would go out the next weekend for our anniversary, so no big deal. So, we went off to Athens and had a great time. The following weekend came and went and I was busy getting ready for the Hall of Fame, so no night out for us. Finally, this weekend Hubs called his parents to watch Rhett and we were going out. All day long, I thought about what I would wear and where we would go...so excited for a night out on the town!

Right before getting in the shower, I asked hubs where he was thinking of going and he shrugged his shoulders, throwing out a couple of places that were more like sports bars and less like nice restaurants (obviously, even though GA wasn't playing...he didn't want to miss a second of football). I then asked him what he was going to wear, to which he replied...'something with jeans, I guess' as he went back to his t.v. watching. After a few minutes of me standing there and clearing my throat, a commercial came on and he turned his attention back to me. 'Why, what did you want me to wear?' To which I replied..."I was thinking maybe something a little nicer than jeans." Then he says...(wait for it) ~ "YOU WANT ME TO WEAR KHAKI'S?!?!?" lol...like I had asked him to go naked or something! I got in the shower, with just a few fumes coming from my head, and thought about our exchange. Here I was thinking of The Pink House, Ruth's Chris Steakhouse and Vic's on the River and he just took the wind out of my sails and all the fun of getting ready for a night out and he didn't even know it! After a really long, really hot shower with alot of to think about, I got ready and wore a casual, but cute dress and yes, he wore his jeans. We tried to get into the new restaurant downtown, 'The Melting Pot,' but it was reservations only, so we walked around and ended up on the porch at Tubby's, where we always end up. We dined outside, listened to a great band play all of our favorite songs and even caught the end of the Tennessee/Alabama game. It was a nice, relaxing night that was much needed and much enjoyed by both of us.

On the way home, I told hubs that I had come to a realization...that we are not 'fancy people.' Yes, we could have gotten all dressed up and gone to eat at one of those stuffy, ritzy places and had a good meal, but I don't think we would have had a good time. We would have been too concerned about which wine to order, what fork to use and how to properly eat asparagus. I could have married a man who owned designer suits and took every chance he got to wear them. But, I bet he wouldn't look nearly as good riding a John Deere or playing ball in the front yard. And, I'm sure I would find something wrong with him too. I'm a woman...that's what we do! Instead, I married my man and we had a perfectly lovely evening, hanging out and relaxing with each other in an atmosphere that suited both of us. But, even though we both enjoyed it...I'm still a good wife b/c I didn't force the issue and my husband got away with an anniversary dinner with football, live music and fried shrimp...and he'd better not forget it...at least for another year!

(P.S. ~ he's promised The Melting Pot this Friday. I'll let you know if anything actually comes of that!) :)

Gap Casting Call!

Awhile ago, someone (well, my cousin Danielle) suggested that I send Rhett's photo off for publication. I considered it, but then got busy, as always. Then a friend sent me an email and I thought this was perfect! So, Rhett is officially entered into the Gap Casting Call contest! I sent in four photographs, which will be judged after the submission time frame is over next week. The top 20 finalist will be called back for a photoshoot, which will be posted online and then narrowed down to the top 4. The winners will be featured in The Gap's advertising campaign in 2010. In addition, there is a fan favorite category, which is tallied by votes for your favorite submission.

So, if you feel inclined ~ you can visit www.gap.com/castingcall to vote for Rhett! You will have to complete a short registration (which will give you a 20% off coupon for Gap ~ bonus!) and then you can search for his photos by using the name 'emilee0611.' You can vote once a day until Nov. 22nd, so please do! And, feel free to forward this to your friends as well (mom and Mrs. Nancy ~ this means you!)

Thanks everyone! I know it's a longshot, but after taking such beautiful photos with Shuman Fine Art Photography, I couldn't help but want to share them with the world

Visit www.gap.com/castingcall then register, then search for 'emilee0611'. Thanks in advance!!!

Cruise Control...

To say that I've had a busy fall would be the understatement of the year! Hubs and I have talked about getting season tickets to the UGA games since we've been married, but something has always come up around the time it has come to commit the cash for the tickets. This year, we through all logic out the window and won some great seats on ebay (well, I threw all logic out the window when I got into a bidding war and went $200 over our agreed stopping point!). So, for three weekends straight, we were burning up the roads back and forth to Athens. It was a crazy, off the cuff thing to do, but I don't remember when we've had so much fun together! Although I hate leaving Rhett for those weekends, the time away with just the two of us has been priceless, as we have reconnected and remembered what it's like to have fun together and actually enjoy each other's company.


(fyi ~ this is not me and the hubs, but me and my brother, Casey. It's the only picture I had on this computer from Gamedays to upload!).



The other part of this busy season has been the planning and execution of the Savannah Business Hall of Fame, which is our largest fundraiser for JA each year. It doesn't matter how early I get started planning this thing, it seems to always come down to the wire. It is a gignormous undertaking which I am primarily responsible for. From coordinating interviews, putting together a $22k silent auction, designing the invitations, the program book and silent auction posters, creating the powerpoints, writing the scripts for the speakers and the bios for the laureates, running the A/V, to keeping my boss calm all falls right on my shoulders. I am proud to say that the event on Tuesday night went off without a hitch (well, without too big of one anyway!). Although it's enough to put me in a padded cell, I really do love every second of it. When everything gets going and I can step back, look around and see it all come together makes it all very much worth it. And, having the man for which one of the most well known art museums was named tell me it was the best event he's ever been to wasn't so bad either! :)

But, as much as I love it, I am glad to slow down and be back in cruise control for awhile. The thing about cruise control is that you can pretty much coast along, until you come up on something and you need to hit the breaks, reset your speed, or speed up and pass someone. But, you're not running a race necessarily. I am glad to have some time with Rhett on the weekends, to get my house back in order, to plant some fall flowers and get back to some sort of real life...until November at least and we head back to Athens to cheer on the dawgs!

Check out some photos from the Hall of Fame:

http://spotted.savannahnow.com/galleries/index.php?id=369438

It's Crunch Time!

As I have posted on here before, I am working on losing some weight and getting back in shape in 2009. As of this morning, I have lost 16.4 lbs. Wow! Even though it's taken 8 months, I'm confident that those are lbs. that'll be gone for good, as I have finally learned how to take them off the right way, by cutting back, making changes, saying 'no' to myself and others and trying to exercise as much as my hectic life will allow. I have to say that I'm pretty proud of myself and am now wearing a skirt that a few months ago, I couldn't even button. Some of my 'pre-preggo' clothes are still too tight, but that's mostly due to the nasty effects of having a c-section! I don't think that part of my body will ever be the same...

Anywho ~ as proud as I am, I still have a long ways to go. I'm about 7 lbs. away from my pre-preggo weight, a goal I was hoping reach by the start of football season, well at least the 1st home game in Athens, which is two weeks away. That might sound reasonable, but since it's taken me 8 months to lose 16, I doubt 7 are going to fall off in that amount of time.

Should I just say 'oh well' and be happy with where I'm at? Probably. Am I? Of course not. Someone has burned in my brain to 'not settle' for anything, which is prety much ingrained in my character over the past 30 years. So, I'm not going to settle. I have become kind of complacent the past two weeks, eating whatever and not making working out a priority. But that's going to change, starting today. Today, I am going to commit to healthy eating, cutting out all nessessary sugars (read: no more starburst jellybeans and sweet tea), all fried stuff (read: mcdonald's and mexican), and get serious about working out. I now have a pilates reformer machine that I had been coveting for awhile, so I'm going to commit to doing that at least 5x a week for the next two weeks. I have an outfit for the first game in athens that is super cute. It looks okay on me, but I sure would be more comfortable with a little less flab and a lot more fab!

It's time to get pumped up! Athens is right around the corner!!!! :)

Welcome Baby Erin Elise...

I found out a dear ex-boyfriend of mine was blessed with a baby girl yesterday! She is so beautiful and finally has a name ~ Erin Elise Dumas! Even with all of our history, I could not be any happier or excited for them both. A long while ago, I took a leap of faith and decided to follow God's plan instead of my own. Trusting Him was hard, but in the end it looks like He led us both down a path that was just perfect for each of us. Now we both have living proof of the rewards that come from following Him and we will be able to raise our children in the same community in friendship. It seems that the big man really knew what he was doing after all! :)

Congratulations again to Walter and Lauren! May you know all the joys, the struggles, and the consuming love that comes from the endless source as you watch your little girl grow.

Show Me The Money!!

After five weeks of unemployment pay and having hubs out of work, I just checked our account and hallelujah! We have $2,500 in there!!!! Nevermind that it's Friday and we both got paid and we have about a month's worth of bills to pay, so it won't stay that way for long. For now, I'm doing the money dance and enjoying the next 30 sec. before I start paying those bills!

I'll leave you with this little piece of funny!



HAPPY FRIDAY!

The Incident at the Church....

You know those 'get-to-know-your-neighbor questions' you are always asked when you are in some sort of group participation event, like "What do you do for a living?" or "What is your most embarrassing moment?" Well, I now have a good answer for that last one...

We had to drive 8 hours round-trip yesterday to Hubs' uncle's funeral in South Georgia. It was a sad day, but we were celebrating Uncle Mickey's life which made it a little more raucous because, well..he was that kind of man. Uncle Mickey was the kind of person who really lived, and everyone had a story to prove it. So, while he is gone, he not only lives in our hearts, but also in our stories as we remember how he impacted each one of us personally.

All things considered (8 hour car ride, house full of strangers, quiet church service, graveside service in the rainy, south georgia heat), Rhett did surprisingly well. He has taken off walking, so he enjoyed exploring his surroundings and new environment and even did well meeting new people. Yep, he did really well...except for the incident at the church.

The incident at the church began we got stuck in the middle of the 3rd row pew at the First Baptist Church of Tifton. I whispered to hubs that I would like to sit on the end so I could get up and leave if necessary, so how we ended up in the middle is a mystery. Rhett was doing well, eating his goldfish and listening to the music, when I felt him go to the bathroom in his diaper. I was hoping that the service wouldn't take much longer b/c I didn't want everyone to notice the unpleasant smell, which was really, really strong. After he shifted around, I finally realized why the smell was burning my nose hairs ~ because the poop was sitting right there on my dress!!!!!! Not only was it on my dress, but it was on his clothes, legs, feet and had also worked it's way on his hands. OMG!!!!!!!! I thought I would die. Literally. They might as well of got me a casket right beside Uncle Mickey's.

I couldn't get out of that church fast enough! Of course, there was a rather large woman at the end of the aisle, so everyone on the pew had to get up to let us out (did I mention that we were stuck in the middle?!?!). The whole time I ran down that aisle, I was asking Jesus to please let that poop stay attached to my dress instead of falling in the middle of the aisle of the church!

Thankfully, I found the nursery where I was able to clean us up the best I could. The whole time I was scrubbing out the poop, I was thinking of Uncle Mickey. I just knew he would've gotten a kick out of that scenario and I could hear him now saying, "When the boy's gotta go, he's got to go!"

You know, even though Rhett will never know his great-great Uncle, he will have a 'Mickey story' of his own to tell, proving that even when we are gone from this life, we have the ability to impact the lives of others.

So, this one's for you, Uncle Mickey. May you have a good laugh with the angels today and be sure to thank Jesus for me ~ I made it out of the church without losing any of the poop.

Hallelujah!

I ♥ Faces and I ♥ My Mom...

This week, I'm entering the I ♥ Faces contest for the first time, since I got some awesome shots of Rhett at the beach! I love this picture because it captures his awe of seeing the ocean for the first time. It was sunset on Kiawah Island, S.C. and the setting couldn't have been more perfect. Even if I don't win, I will have enjoyed showing off my handsome little man!

Moving on to why I ♥ my mom. Other than the fact that she gave birth to me and she's always been there for me as an encourager, a challenger, and a friend. Yesterday I loved her the most because when I called to ask her if Rhett could stay over last night, she didn't hesitate to say yes. You see, I have a REALLY hard time asking people for help. In elementary school, I failed a test because I didn't want to ask if I could borrow a pencil. This bad trait has mostly reared its head where Rhett is concerned. I guess I believe that he is my child and therefore, my responsibility, so I should be the one to take care of him. But, I am not Superwoman. Let me say that again for my own benefit...I am not Superwoman. I cannot do all things and be all things to everyone. Sometimes I just give out and I can't go anymore. Which is exactly what happened yesterday.

Last week, we went to Kiawah for a little family getaway. Which would have been relaxing, if we didn't have a 15 month old on our hands. We enjoyed the three day trip, but it was a worldwind. We got back on Friday and then I had to go shopping on Saturday to buy a birthday gift and then had dinner with my parents Saturday night. Sunday a.m. brought church, the grocery store and the above mentioned birthday party for our friends' little boy. I collapsed in the bed @ 10:30 Sunday night. The only thing I could think about was that I would be up again in 2 hours when Rhett decided he couldn't possibly live without me, which he did three times.

Monday a.m. hit me like a truck, but up and off to work I went. That afternoon, I drove a hour one way for meetings all afternoon, not getting home until 6 p.m. When I walked in the door, I changed clothes and got ready to go get Rhett from my parents, since he had been there since about 9 that morning. Branden encouraged me to sit down and relax for a minute. I did as I was told, laying down and putting my feet up. Once I got in that position, I felt like I couldn't move. The thought of getting up to go get Rhett and doing dinner, bath and nighttime with him brought literal tears to my eyes. Branden asked me what was wrong, and all I could say is 'I'm just too tired.' So, he suggested letting Rhett spend the night at my parents so I could get some rest. The thought of that didn't make me happy. Not because I didn't want him to stay, but because I didn't want to ask. It took Branden about 15 minutes of coaxing and putting dinner on the stove for me to pick up the phone. I don't think my mom could hear the tears in my voice, but she could probably picture the look on my face. Although the call took her off guard and she had already had him all day long, she said it was fine and only asked me to bring some p.j.'s.

I tried to reason that Rhett could come home and Branden could just take care of him. But, Branden knew that even if he had taken care of Rhett all night long, I wouldn't be able to relax, since I am his (Rhett's)favorite playmate and taker-carer. He was really great in taking care of me though...cooking dinner, taking the p.j.'s over, and cleaning the kitchen. I took an hour long bath, reading 'Breaking Dawn,' turned off the monitor, and was in bed by 9 p.m. I slept soundly until 6 a.m. and woke up refreshed and able to function for the rest of the week.

I know it wasn't easy on mama. She had him for almost 24 hours straight, with no advanced notice. While he has spent the night with them before, it was always been because I was out of town. In 15 months, I haven't had an entire night off, sleeping through the night in my own bed, without the monitor buzzing in my ear. It was a little piece of heaven which I am so grateful for.

So, mom ~ if you're reading this...thank you. You don't know how much last night meant to me. Rhett is so blessed to call you his 'CeeCee' as I am to call you 'Mama'.